take a step back

I remember finishing my freshmen year of high school, and asking friends to sign my yearbook during one of those end-of-the-school-no-class functions and thinking:  “I can’t wait to go to college!”  Once in college, I couldn’t wait to graduate.  I did a lot of hanging out with my dear roommates, and then going to class, but I just couldn’t wait to get on with my life and graduate.

My 20ies were the same exact way.  I started my first job, and what was next? Then what else could I do?  What else could I do?  What else was out there?  I was hungry and insatiable for most of this decade.  I just wanted the next thing and the next thing, and nothing really made me happy.  I kept searching for it hard core.

And that was cool.  I learned I had a pretty rad work ethic, I learned that this world was quite abundant and it was abundantly clear that life rewarded those who understood this.  If you pushed hard enough, you pretty much always got what you wanted.

Except, when you don’t put in the same amount of effort on narrowing in on what you exactly what – you will get stung.

And that’s what happened to me.  I kept rushing through these twenties, as if I was on FIRE!!!  I even married my husband a few months after meeting him because there was no more time!  Thankfully – the Universe was looking out for me, because our relationship was the best fast decision we ever made.  But I wasn’t this lucky in everything.

After having my son, and then my daughter, I had to take a major step back.  Some things happened that made me haul my booty back over to the starting line, and other times, I put every piece of effort and energy into the perfect pivot turn.  I wanted to be at the starting line again.  I needed to.  I needed to be a rookie, a newbie, a fresher, to save myself.

The last four years of my 30ies, the steps backwards I have taken, have taken me in such a different path. Such a solid, real, transparent, honest and human path.

It all started when I started asking myself some questions:

What do I want?
What do I really want?
Who am I?
How do I want to live my life?
How do I want each day to go?
Who do I want to talk to?
Who inspires me?
Who do I love?
What do I love?
What are my talents?
What do I need to learn?
Who lives the way I want to live?
How can I create freedom?
How can I create endless freedom?
How can I be more me?
How can I contribute to this world?
What can I contribute to my family?

Once some answers started popping up – I started moving in that direction.  Taking a step back is humbling.  It is.  I wanted to be that person that already HAD a decade of experience in this or that, and that wasn’t going to happen with a major 180.

But what’s the alternative?  How many people find themselves 10, 20, 30, 40 years into a career or relationships or hobby or home situation and they knew for decades that it was always the wrong move.  It didn’t suit their heart or life or future or anything that truly matters – for years and years.

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And so – take a step back.  Heck, take a zillion steps back if you have to.  Take a step back so hard, and own it.  Return to the very beginning if it means building and rebuilding something of absolute freedom, or passion, or happiness, or truth.  Or all of that!  How amazing is that?  How awesome that we, as free human beings can say:  “This no longer serves me.  This does not serve me, it doesn’t serve those I love.  Let’s re-group.”

You don’t have to up-heave your entire life and world to take a few steps backwards, but you do have to honor honesty and truth and reflection and you have to use some courage to get there.  And start little.  Start with tiny steps.  If you really love this, do this.  If you are really really really passionate about something, learn more about it.  Immerse yourself in it.  If you really want your future to look like xyz, start heading towards xyz, and away from something that won’t suite you at all, ever.

Wake up tomorrow and ask yourself what you want most, what you desire most.  And do a little bit more to get there.  Learn more – read more – focus more on exactly this thing.  Life will naturally focus you away from what you no longer desire once you know what you desire, and gently push you into the right directly.  For me, I took a lot of steps back, facing forward (because fear is real).  I just kept walking back, until I put myself on the right path.  An epiphany hit me hard, when I realized that to do what I want, for the life I desire and I will live one day, I had to learn and re-learn the skills required.  And now that I know this, I’m ferocious in wanting this knowledge,and then wanting to put it into practice.

The more we grow and figure out EXACTLY what we want, the louder the answers will become.  One day you will find yourself living exactly as you please, as you wish, pushing forward without any resistance.

Cheers my dear friends.  Cheers to that pivot turn!

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