Pain. Stop using your PAIN to kill others.

Yesterday, ironically, we celebrated a Hallmark holiday that is meant to inspire LOVE and commemorate LOVE, Nikolas Cruz walked into a high school and killed 17 people, and then wounded another 14, and scarred the rest of us, for the rest of our lives.  He was in so much pain, he caused others even more pain, forever.

You can’t take back this type of hate.  You can’t begin to understand it.  Though I’m trying.  I woke up early and tried to find out what type of individual does this.  I learned he was adopted by a married couple as an infant.  His father passed from a heart attack when he was six and then his mom just died this past November at the age of 68 from flu complications.

I can instantly see how painful or confusing it may feel to be adopted, how complicated it may feel to deal with mental illness (I don’t know if this is the case for him particularly, but I read that he was or was in the past medicated), and also, to lose your mother.  I get it.  But guess what, millions of other people deal with this type of pain and WORST PAIN on an every single day basis, yet, they do not hurt people.  They do not scare them, and kill them, and murder them and then run away.

What’s different for me about this mass shooting, is that the videos taken by the students are truly horrifying.  I’ve seen plenty of action movies, and nothing compares to listening to bullets fire a few feet away from you, or watching the shaking hands of children while the law enforcement teams go in.  Nothing will get this out of my mind.  My six year old son watched the same video last night on the news.  And he said, “Mom, mom, our school is so safe.  We have patrols everywhere.”  I did not have the heart to tell him that no baby boy.  Your school is not safe.  Especially with crazy human beings walking around with murderous anger in them.  Pain that they refuse to stop and end and put to GOOD use, they use pain to kill others.

Yet, instead of ending his own demise, this coward ran out.  He ran away.  He tried to blend in with the victims, he tried to blend in with the terrorized and went off for a jog.

The worst part is that there is no motive, and no reason, and nothing GOOD ENOUGH that could explain why a 19 year young man would do this.  Yet, we’ll continue to try to understand, why someone became SO out of touch with reality and human life, and so angry, and so vile and evil, that he became another mass killer and serial predator.

One of the reasons I pursue self development so hard, and take full responsibility for my own mental health and mental state, and all responsibly for my life and my present and my future, because I know if I don’t, it is easy to get turned around.  Humans do hurt, and they deal with painful pasts, and awful presents, and bleak futures.  Some humans are mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally ABUSED, tortured and neglected.  Humans feel unloved, and not cared for, and they not only FEEL this, but they are.  I’ve seen sons and daughters and children and grown adults tossed aside and ignored and not loved, and for what?

But these same humans have to keep going on, we must keep going. 

How can we use the PAIN we feel, to do better?

How can we deal with what we’ve suffered, and not hurt others? How can we do better onto others, than what others have done onto us?  When you step outside yourself, and just get to know a tiny bit about others, whether personal, or in general, it’s easy to see their anguish, or hurt or sorrow and understand why.  It’s not easy to understand why others hurt us so bad, but once you do step outside, you can begin to understand a bit.

Yet, that’s no excuse. There will never ever be an excuse good enough.

We live in a free world, a free land, where accessing our psyches, and our deep selves is possible.  It’s our DUTY to learn about what causes us to react, and act, and do what we do.  It’s NO LONGER someone else’s fault, but our OWN.  We can act like monsters, but why, when we can learn to do better?  It’s our right, and a privilege we must all acknowledge and hold tight.  WE CAN AND MUST DO BETTER.

Because we were abused, we can decide to NOT ABUSE.

Because we were neglected, we can decide not to neglect.

Because we were beaten, we can choose not to beat.

Because we were yelled at, we can choose NOT to yell.

Because we were called stupid or a dummy or bullied, we can chose to not call names and bully.

Because we were starved of love, we can choose NOT to starve others of love.

Because we grew up fucked up, beyond comprehension, we can still choose to live better.

Pain is awful and continues the cycle of misery when it’s used to hurt others.

I can’t stand excuses, and as adult human beings, we must take back our power to do better.  You are NOT going to change others, but you can certainly control and change yourself.  If you are a mess, you change yourself. It’s okay to admit you may have some really awful qualities about you, you may have some really bad thoughts, you may have a lot of crazy anger storming through your blood.  It’s OKAY to admit you need a lot of work, a lot of improvement, a lot of learning to grow better, to do better.

Sitting back with your feet high in the air, and your head even higher, believing EVERYONE ELSE IS to blame for your pain, won’t cut it ANYMORE.  Get your bum to work and do work on you.

It’s 2018, and this is okay.  It’s allowed.  Whether you are a man or a woman, whether you are a mess or just a tiny mess.  Get to work so you STOP hurting other people, so you stop tormenting and traumatizing others.

Because at the end of the day – we all want to feel good.  We all want to sleep well.  We all want to be and live in peace.  Do you think by NOT handling your own demons, it leads to peace?  Do you think by hurting, ignoring, neglecting, abusing, and killing the spirit of others, makes you feel good? Do you think your pain is best used to hurt humans, or you feeling pain enough?

I know the ego sucks. I know its awful to admit we are wrong, we must do better, we must be stronger, we must apologize, and we must recognize that it’s US and not THEM.  Take ownership over you, take ownership over what you FEEL, how you react, what you do, and how you love and how you hate.  Control yourself.  Control yourself, until it’s natural and normal to be kind again.  Control yourself until you don’t react in hate, spitting venmon, and making excuses for all you do.  It’s OVER.  It’s DONE WITH.  There are no more excuses that are GOOD ENOUGH.

It’s 2018, and the bs has to end.  I don’t care what happened to you.  If you do what was done to WRONG YOU, onto others, you are evil, you are the devil.  Fix yourself.  Recognize this, and fix yourself fast, before you repeat cycles of hate, over and over and over again.

Teach and show your children people CAN change, regardless of where they have come from.

Do this for yourself, do this for your loved ones, do this for society, your community, this country, this world, and everyone you impact on a daily basis.  What LEGACY do you want to leave?  What do you want to share?  What are your best qualities, and can you GIVE THEM OUT FREELY, and inspire others, instead of all that hate?

I don’t care about how old you are, how young, how uneducated, how educated, about your circle and if everyone is they same.  It’s DONE WITH.  Better yourself, and stop the neglect.  Stop the pain from festering, from growing, and from causing so much senseless death.


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